Shabbat Chaye Sarah - 5786

Shabbat Chaye Sarah - 5786

Rabbi Hal Miller

  Her brother and her mother said, let the maiden remain with us days or a set of

  ten, then she will go. [Bereishit 24:55]

  And they said, let us call the maiden and ask her decision. [Bereishit 24:57]

Rivka's family asked for a delay in Eliezer taking her away to marry Yitzchak. What was behind this, and how long did they actually ask for? Then after asking for a delay, they suggested leaving it to Rivka. Why did they change their position and dump the decision on the young girl?

It appears that there was a custom to give a new bride-to-be time to get used to the idea of leaving home to face a completely new life, and also to allow her to collect a trousseau, personal items she will take with her into the marriage. The custom seems to have been a year, and may be related to the fact that most young brides were in fact very young, mere children. Ketubot [57b] and Bereishit Rabbah [60:12] both relate such a custom. Sforno writes a slightly different version of it, "so that she has a chance to get used to the idea of moving to a foreign country where she will not have the support of her family." In whichever form, this custom could have been the reason why Lavan and the mother suggested a delay.

But what did they mean by "remain with us days or a set of ten"? The word yamim, literally days, is often used in the Torah to indicate a full year, which would make sense based on that custom. But what is "a set of ten"? Most commentators understand it to mean ten months. Onkelos translates the phrase "days or a set of ten" as "an indefinite time or ten months". Radak is close to this when he writes "approximately a year or at least ten months".

Given this custom, why did they change their mind and ask Rivka? Rashi says it teaches that "we do not marry off a woman unless it is with her consent." Radak points out that above in verse 24:51, Rivka agreed to the marriage, so what does verse 57 teach? He says the purpose was to protect the mother and brother from any charge by Eliezer, "so you will not think we persuaded her to delay." It would seem that the custom of allowing the girl up to a year or so was not a requirement, and that it was up to the girl to decide whether she needed it.