Purim - 5770

Purim - 5770

Rabbi Hal Miller

(It is traditional that on Purim we read "Purim Torah". These are

fashioned in the same way as regular divrei Torah, but are humorous,

nonsensical, and often just plain silly. Any "rulings" of law herein

are expressly denied as being jokes, not serious.... Oh, and bear in

mind you're supposed to be a little schicker when you read it. --HM)

It came to pass in the days of King AchashPeteRose of the Red, who

reigned from Indianapolis to Wheeling, and made his capitol in

Cincinnati, that a rival kingdom from Up The River threatened war over

the attempt by AchashPeteRose to control all the world's banks.

To counter the rising wave of fear, as well as make a few bucks on the

side betting whether or not their rivals would show, AchashPeteRose

announced a grand banquet. He determined to hold it around the end of

winter, thinking that it was less likely people would travel then, so

the expenses would be low. He turned to his sleaziest attendant,

Barbossa, and directed that Roberto C., the Pirate King, be

specifically invited, along with his entourage from Up The River.

Barbossa, of course, planned to profit from the venture himself. He

calculated that by selling the minorities of the people of the Red "up

the river", a tidy sum could be realized. The first choice, he

realized, was to grab the Exilarch, one Weatherby Barboor and his

beautiful daughter Elisheva. With them in hand, he knew that the

champion of the people, Pancake Turner (who wasn't too pleased with

the name he'd been given, and regularly answered to "Will") would

lead a revolt. That uprising would be easy to quash, as weapons were

forbidden throughout the land. Once put down, the people could be

rounded up as rebels, and dealt with in any manner under the law,

which naturally he controlled anyway.

This plan was quickly put into effect. Things went so well for

Barbossa that he decided to declare a holiday. As he sat around with

the chests of gold and silver offered up by the poor peasants who had

been captured, trying to buy their freedom ("Ha!", thought Barbossa,

"silly them"), and with the food and drink to spare ordered by his

king, it struck him that he didn't have a decent name for the festive

day. He decided to offer a reward to whoever came up with the most

fitting moniker before the end of the feast.

There was a good-hearted fellow, named R'Yaacov Ha'Tzippori, who

wandered near and far, telling stories (mostly about his own

"triumphs", whether true or not.) Upon hearing of the reward, and

noting as well that it included the fair Elisheva Barboor as well as

some of the gold and silver, R'Yaacov worked his way toward

Cincinnati. He was intercepted by Will Turner, who had managed an

escape while being led to the gallows (which had, incidentally,

infuriated Barbossa, to say nothing of the hangman who was only paid

"by the piece".)

Will explained the situation, and, as he was rather short of friends

at the moment, befriended the good-hearted R'Yaacov. His belief in

the newly found friend began to wane, though, as R'Yaacov outlined his

plan for recapturing the entire kingdom. However, being without

options, Will went along for the ride.

R'Yaacov revealed that he had a second career, and was in fact the

Dread Pirate Roberts (uh, oops, wrong story.) He was actually the

dreaded Captain Jack Sparrow, and he had a plethora (how many times

have you used that word in a d'var Torah?) of mates who would appear

any time he called for them.

Will sat on a rock beside the road. R'Yaacov, or Jack as he preferred

when doing his "pirate thing", began all sorts of dances and songs,

none of which made much sense to Will. Suddenly, along the road came

a red-jacketed army officer, a bevy of lovelies, and an entire chorus

singing something about being a pirate king. It was, of course,

Roberto C and his chorus. In accordance with the more lenient

opinions of Bais Hillel, we allow crossovers between theatrical shows,

so this self-appointed major general and pirate band were allowed to

join the Caribbean team as well. It was, after all, the

winter season, and winter ball is typically played in the Caribbean.

Jack and Roberto hatched a plan. By pretending to be Bais Shammai,

they would approach Barbossa and AchashPeteRose for a final ruling on

whether they could in fact act together in the more northern climate.

While the debates were under way, Will was to sneak in, steal the

treasure, and haul it all out of Cincinnati. Turner was heard to say,

"This is either madness or brilliance", to which Jack had replied,

"It's amazing how often those two shreds coincide". [Curse of the

Black Pearl 4:12]

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (uh, castle) AchashPeteRose and Barbossa

were well into the "medicine cabinet", and completely unable to stand

erect. AchashPeteRose noted their glasses were empty (alas), and

ordered a ballboy to "Pour Him another shot". Barbossa heard the

"Pour Him", and thought, "Aha! There's a wonderful holiday name!"

You can imagine the rest of the tale. Jack and Will managed to rescue

the poor people, Roberto C the Pirate King became the champion in

right field, and the hangman made up for his losses by practicing on

Barbossa. AchashPeteRose survived, but was never allowed near the

theater again. Elisheva opened a drive-through pancake restaurant, known

as "Fast Esther's", and was known to pine for Will.

As they regrouped, Roberto C, Will and Jack tried to work out who now

should be entitled to the various riches they'd captured. Jack

reminded the others that he was, in fact, the well-known Talmid Chacham

R'Yaacov Ha'Tzippori and that they ought to accept his ruling. The

questions they put to him included whether or not the people

actually despaired of their riches when they tried to ransom

themselves, whether our heroes had any better rights than did

Barbossa as they had in fact stolen the stolen merchandise from him, and

whether being in a Disney movie gave anyone rights over one who was

in a Gilbert & Sullivan operetta.

R'Yaacov ruled for himself on all points. However, he had to admit

that Will's position repenting from his thievery (stealing from the

government is a crime even if they're doing the wrong thing

themselves) might run his personal chances for gain into a hole.

They decided to leave it up to the first wise one who might chance by.

As it happened, the next donkey passing by announced its rider on its

own. Although that in itself disturbed our heroes, they accepted it,

and also the fact that the rider must be the wise one they awaited.

The rider was quite short in stature, with large shoes sticking out

from under the robe, along with what appeared to be a black rope.

The donkey paused, and our heroes put their cases to this wise one.

After a moment's pause, the wise one spoke, in a very high and squeaky

voice. "All rights in the treasure, including the ownership of the

enslaved people, must fall to the Temple Treasury. The people will be

freed upon their agreement to follow the Laws, but the treasure must

be used to rebuild the economy. Oh, and have a care to whom you listen."

The wise one then threw back the hood of the cloak, and smiled the smile

of .....

a large and happy mouse.

Purim Sameach!