Purim - 5775

Purim - 5775

Rabbi Hal Miller

(It is traditional that on Purim we read "Purim Torah". These are fashioned in the same way as regular divrei Torah, but are humorous, nonsensical, and often just plain silly. Any "rulings" of law herein are expressly denied as being jokes, not serious.... Oh, and bear in mind you're supposed to be a little shicker when you read it. --HM)

Those of you who have been following these drashas over the past fifteen

years are aware of the "Halachas of" series I have been writing for Purim

each year. This time, our discussion topic is "The Halachas of Queues".

For those of you who do not know, in the USA a queue is typically

called a "line", as in a row of people standing in front of the cashier

at the grocery store or bank.

There are numerous unwritten rules about behavior in a queue, never

taught formally, yet observed in practice pretty much everywhere.

Since they are unwritten rules, many of us find it difficult to stay in

compliance, thus issues often occur, to the extent of fights. In an

attempt to eliminate, or at least reduce, the fighting in and about

queues, we here establish a written version of some of the unwritten rules.

First, the rules themselves, then some discussion on their implementation.

When standing in a queue:

Rule 1) Always look forward, with a disinterested gaze. Without looking at

your companions, make comments about the people presently at the counter

ahead of you, or about the sign that displays the number "now being served".

Rule 2) It is ossur (forbidden) to turn around and look, even for an instant,

at the people behind. It is meritorious to go to great lengths to pretend

that those others do not even exist.

Rule 3) All the moreso, it is ossur to engage those behind in conversation.

This includes answering their questions, joining their conversation to

explain something they obviously did not understand correctly, or even

to provide support to something they got right.

Rule 4) Should someone ahead in the queue speak to you, it is ossur to

respond with anything more than a grunt. If they press repeatedly to

engage you, change the subject on them. Ask where they got the

packages they are holding, even though the bags are clearly labeled

with the name of the store. If that does not stop them, turn to your own

colleagues and start a different conversation, concerning something

personal about which the offender would have no knowledge.

Rule 5) If asked for the time, whether from someone else in the queue or

even one not in the queue, it is ossur to provide an accurate or specific

response. Only a general answer, such as "around eight-thirty" is

appropriate, regardless of the actual time. It is not considered correct to

ask them why they did not look at their own wristwatch.

Rule 6) It is ossur to cut into a queue. One must always join the queue at

the tail. But see the exceptions section below. Should someone else cut in

on you directly, it is your responsibility to make a show of how you are a

much more civilized person than they. See Rule 7 below. This applies all the

moreso when the offender has cut in on someone else, who you believe may

not have the ability to defend themselves correctly.

Rule 7) It is permitted to speak, loudly, to nobody in particular. Any topic

is valid for this, whether concerning the service in that place, the

weather, the time, or even the fact that the local football club consists

of a number of unathletic individuals who have never even heard the

term 'teamwork'.

Rule 8) When attempting to manage young children or numerous packages,

it is permitted to dump things or kids upon neighbors in the queue, and to then

ignore the ripe stares or comments when they realize that you have no clear

intention of relieving them of their un-asked-for burdens. If you are the

one suddenly so burdened, it is ossur to do anything about it. But see

Rule number 7 above.

Rule 9) One should maximize use of the time in a queue with checking email

and news, or otherwise browsing Internet locations. Preference should be

given to humorous sites, accompanied by loud laughter. This applies even

when you are at the head of the queue and your turn has arrived. It is ossur to

look at the electronic device of anyone else in the queue. For those who do not

have a smart-phone, see Rule number 1 above.

Exception 1) Children are not only NOT bound by these rules, they are bound

to breach them. They are permitted, in some cases required, to ask their

parents in a loud voice, "Why does that man only have one leg?", or "Can I

go to the bathroom here in the middle of the room like that woman did?"

Children are expected to whine and complain incessantly. It is ossur for

those standing nearby to react. This is an exception to Rule number 7.

Exception 2) Should something significant breach the decorum of the place,

such as a bank robbery or an explosion, one must look away politely if

feasible. Otherwise, one may speak (see Rule number 7) on the matter,

but only to make light of it. It is recommended to begin your remarks with

something like, "That's nothing. Why I recall the time when, ..."

Exception 3) One is entitled to cut into a queue, either at the head or in

the middle, when certain mitigating circumstances exist. Nearly always,

those already in the queue ahead of where one cuts in will say nothing.

Nearly always, most of those behind will do nothing more than apply Rule

7 above. Those nearby the point into which one cuts may feel entitled to

take other action, and they must be pre-empted by your carefully chosen

explanatory words. You must convince them in fewer than three sentences

that you are in fact more important than they are, that your need is more

urgent than theirs, and that you now hold the new position, thus, following

the Talmudic dictum that money is only transferred when the one not in

possession is able to prove his case, the new status quo (with you in

the spot in the queue) may not be upset unless they are able to prove

you wrong. Although considered more polite to cut into the middle of

the queue, making the case to justify your cut is easier at the head, plus

if the teller/cashier becomes ready during the argument, you simply

leave those in the queue behind and begin your transaction. L'audace,

tojours l'audace.

APPLICATION

These rules apply at all times and in all places, especially at airport

counters, theaters, theme parks and stores. They apply to all adults

standing in a queue, cutting into a queue, or merely walking by a queue.

The rules also apply, sometimes in a modified form, to anyone walking

down a street. For example, when in a conversation with your colleague

while walking, and other people approach from the opposite direction (this

does not apply if they are overtaking) you must halt the conversation as

they reach a normal conversational distance, and remain silent until just

after you pass. Even though they can still clearly hear everything you say,

re-commence your conversation as soon as you can no longer see

them when you stare straight ahead.

Purim Sameach!